The Good Men Project

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May 27, 2010

From SPSMM: Celebrating Fathers

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: , , , , — tmatlack @ 6:00 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMM’s objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By: Chen Z. Oren, Ph.D.

The recent Nike commercial with Tiger Woods and the voice of his late father strikes a chord. We are reminded of the significance of fathers. As a psychologist, I work with many dads who take pride in and also struggle with being a father. In honor of Father’s Day, I would like to offer some ideas for becoming a happier, more involved father.

Fathers have always had an important role in the family, but the demands on fathers have exploded over the last generation or two. From a father’s role being limited to income earner, fathers are now expected to provide, and also to be nurturing and supportive of their partners and children, involved in their children’s school and sports, good role models, caretakers, and so on. A unique situation is created with this shift in expectations and fathers can feel a little frustrated as they juggle different roles without much training. Boys are generally taught from a very young age to be tough, competitive, and not show feelings (and definitely don’t cry). What background do most men have to be good fathers? When you ask fathers, a majority say they did not have good role models. Almost 2/3 report that they can not use anything from how they were fathered.

I have found that most fathers welcome some coaching about being a dad. Here are some tips:

1) Recognize the positive benefits of being involved, not only for the kids and partner, but for you.
While it is true that children with involved fathers are more confident and do better in school, being an integral part of your family leads to a better you. Good fathers engage in less risky behaviors – I had a father decide to quit smoking so he could be around to walk his daughter down the aisle. Involved fathers take better care of themselves – get that pain checked out or stop putting off going to the dentist. When you are involved with your family, you are likely to be more physically active and happier too.

2) Ask for help and support from your partner.
Ask your partner to recognize your efforts of being involved. Allow yourself to ask how to do things you are not sure of. Ask to be respected when you try new things with your children. Fathers who feel supported are more involved with their kids and are more confident in their parenting.

3) See yourself as important to the next generation. How do you want your children to think about you today and in the future? What do you want them to say about you as their father? What do you want them to learn from you? What will your legacy be? Allow your answers to guide your daily interactions with your family.

I’ve never heard clients say that their father tried too hard to be part of the family, and no man has told me that he wished he was distant from his children. Focus on what you do well and bring your strengths and passions home for your kids, for your partner, and for yourself.

Happy Father’s Day

Chen Z. Oren, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and professor in the Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program, Phillips Graduate Institute, Encino, California. His main area of expertise is the psychology of men. Dr. Oren is a counseling psychologist with a private practice in Westlake Village, California. He works with men, women, and couples, and facilitates a men’s group. He is an active member of APA’s Division 51, the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, and currently serves as the division treasurer. With his wife, Dora Chase Oren, Ph.D., he co-edited Counseling Fathers (Routledge) , a book that bridges the gap between fathers and professional helpers.




 

May 13, 2010

NYC Dads Group asks “What does it mean to be a good man?”

Filed under: Good Men, Good Men Book — Tags: , , , , , — tmatlack @ 8:30 pm

The NYC Dads Group is — well, just what it sounds like, — a group of dads in NYC that that helps involved fathers network with each other, share interesting thoughts, news, content and playgroup information. It also holds meet ups during the week for stay-at-home dads, part-time at home dads, freelance, etc., that are looking to get together during the week.

Here’s what they have to say about The Good Men Project book and DVD.

“What Does It Mean To Be A Good Man? This is the essential question addressed in a recent anthology, a group of essays, in The Good Men Project: Real stories from the front lines of modern manhood. I just finished reading this fascinating and powerful book.

Basically, The Good Men Project, is a forum for modern men of all stripes to share honest & gripping stories about their greatest challenges, struggles, losses, and triumphs. Even though this book revolves around the core of what it means to be a good man – the project pioneers that created this anthology (James Houghton, Larry Bean, and Tom Matlack) make sure to not provide an answer to this overarching question. No, they leave it to the reader to extrapolate pieces from the stories combined with self-reflection in their own lives to come to a conclusion. What sold me on this project is the depth, candid-ness, and graphic nature of the stories that the different men share.

Who are the men, the voices, telling these stories? They are fathers, sons, husbands, and workers. Some are wealthy and some are poor, some are white and some are from ethnic backgrounds, some are from urban areas and some from the burbs. “From Pulitzer winners and Poet Laureates to ex-cons, Pro Football Hall of Famers, a soldier, and just regular guys.”

There is even a story from Charlie LeDuff, describing his role as a stay-at-home dad… [READ MORE HERE ON THE NYC DADS GROUP BLOG]

Thank you New York!

 

A Community of Good Fathers

Filed under: Guest Blogger — Tags: , , , — tmatlack @ 6:00 am

By: SARAH HURLEY

How we can help men become better fathers? A recent event held by The Fatherhood Program at The Children’s Trust Fund in Boston brought together several groups seeking answers to that question.

We began with introductions. I was there as part of The Good Men Project, and joined the great array of people who were very enthusiastic about what they do and what our united place in the solution can be. One woman runs the parenting class for men at the South Bay prison, another heads the Nurturing Fathers Program, and many more came from organizations geared towards rehabilitating men struggling with substance abuse and homelessness back into becoming good fathers.

A common theme was men not feeling they have a place in the family — especially hard for the fathers who missed out on the beginning of their child’s life. Often the men would feel their family is ‘better off’ without them. This is born out of fear, fear that they might not know how to parent an older child, a young woman, or know how to assimilate into an already existing family unit. Many of the men in these programs had absent fathers themselves and therefore had non-existent models of parenthood. The goal is to show these men the specific contributions they can make to the family, to let them know their role is still important, and to demonstrate to them that a family is better off with a father involved.

Bernie Fitzgerald, chief probation officer at the Dorchester District Court, explained Five Principles of Fatherhood. He runs a twelve-week Fatherhood Program headed by male corrections officers on a volunteer basis. Bernie says it’s “the most important thing we do.” He has seen families brought back together through this program and watched as comradery spreads through the support the men give each other. There was agreement from all participants that the more time men spend with their children, the more they become aware of the bigger picture — gaining respect for the mother of their children, perhaps even seeking custody. It’s not that love for their children did not exist in these men before entering such programs, it’s that it was clouded by distractions. Once men begin to open up in a group and see the reality of the situation with a sober perspective, they often yearn to be a part of the family.

An interesting conversation was about groups that are all male-led and all male-participating. Even the many women participants understood the benefits — that the all men groups become a safe haven for men to open up about issues that sometimes only other men will understand.

Helping the way children are fathered in our community is something that benefits everyone living in the community. It’s not just for the mothers, families, and school systems…the cycle of crime, violence, and poverty can all be correlated with broken families and lack of support.

I left the program with a deeper understanding of why we all need to participate in this conversation to create positive change. It’s not just about the men who need guidance, it’s also about the men who can help guide and become a part of this fraternity of men who give each other the help and support they need.

*****

Sarah Hurley is Media Production Assistant for Good Men Media Inc., a part of The Good Men Project. For more information on The Fatherhood Program or other Good Men Project initiatives, please contact us at info@goodmenbook.org

 

March 5, 2010

A Son’s Lament

Filed under: Guest Blogger — Tags: , , , , — tmatlack @ 6:00 am

By SHAWN KIRSCH

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting recently, much of which I’ve blogged about on my website, That Tall Dude. I kicked it off on a Monday, the anniversary of my return home from Iraq. Nothing that has happened since my return was part of “my plan.” I made many mistakes; I wound up in places I had no plans of returning to; and all of it made me a better version of myself than what I had been.

On that Tuesday, I posted a guest blog on my website, which was simply a paper my sister wrote about me for English 110. As I read through it again, it hit me a lot harder than it had when I read it years ago. I’m a bit older and wiser now, and I am realizing just how much people around us notice what we do, for better or worse. For people like me, who seemingly get involved with everything, there are even more people who see how we act.

The rest of the week, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I’ve changed, how people view me, how my tiniest misstep can change someone’s perception of me. I never realized, growing up, that my sister looked up to me and how my arguments with our parents would leave such indelible images in her mind.

I moved in August. I quickly jumped into a great church and wasted no time getting involved in the community. In a few short months I have become a volunteer with the youth group, a go-to guy for tech support, a sound board operator relentless in making the worship team sound better, and the beneficiary of others’ wisdom in Bible studies.

One of those Bible study groups has a passion for father-son relationships. They put on an annual event called Boys to Men at Crystal Springs Baptist Camp, in Medina, North Dakota. They invite fathers and sons to come and try to provide an environment for them to connect with each other. There’s a little time for teaching and worship, but most of the weekend you’re free to do what you want, and lots of activities are available: trap shooting, ice fishing, four-wheeling, basketball, football, ping pong, board games, dodge ball, roller skating, snowball fights, massive bonfires, and more.

I attended the event at the end of the aforementioned week and was struck though, during discussions with the fathers and sons, how different my relationship with my dad is compared to others. At an age when I should be finding more and more things to talk to him about, I continue to struggle to find common ground where I won’t ultimately feel encouraged, or worse, like a disappointment.

Throughout my junior high and high school years, Dad was a truck driver, so he was gone most of the week and too tired to do much when he was home. Being a teenager, I had my fair share of arguments with Mom throughout the week, and then I had them again every weekend when Dad got home. It was a double dose of getting yelled at every week, and I still struggle to get over it.

Perhaps it would be different if I weren’t the oddball of the family, a major geek among digital neophytes. The only solid connection I seem to have with my dad is the farm we lived on before moving to town. I can talk about that stuff with him. But it seems we have to be driving in the pickup, just the two of us, traveling through areas he is comfortable in, before we can have even those conversations.

By the end of the weekend I had come to a strong conviction that relationships among men need to be set early in life, and they need to be kept positive. As technology advances, there are ever more distractions to come between us. We have the same amount of time previous generations did, but we spend it differently. Is there not something we can cut out of our schedules to spend some quality time with each other?

As I observed others that weekend, I saw fathers who at times were a bit bored, doing activities that can become mundane after 30 years of doing them. But they were also doing them with their sons, who were more than thrilled to be doing things they don’t get to do every day, and doing them with Dad. This was especially noticeable with younger sons. All of the fathers and sons were able to get away from the hectic pace of everyday life and talk about stuff they usually overlook.

As for me, I’m now 90 miles from Dad, who is still gone most of the week, and I have a schedule that keeps me busiest on nights and weekends. It isn’t getting any easier to connect with him. In fact, it’s perhaps more difficult now than ever before. I hope that someday we can work everything out and be as tight as some of my friends and their dads are. I hope that if I ever have a son of my own, I establish a great relationship with him at a young age and never let it sour. It may not always be easy, but from my point of view, it looks like it will be worth the time and effort.

*****

Shawn Kirsch describes himself as a 25-year-old, 6-foot-7 single male, who is a Christian, a drummer, a basketball fanatic (and player), a geek, a freelancer, an early adopter, a music lover, a networker, and a veteran.

[Truck photo by aturkus]

 

December 8, 2009

Splitting Wood

Filed under: Good Men, Guest Blogger — Tags: , , — tmatlack @ 9:13 am

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Guest Blog by Mike Austin

There is something intrinsically fatherly about splitting wood.I’m talking about grabbing an ax, a sledge hammer, and a steel wedge and whacking away at a cut section of log. Can you feel the testosterone?

I learned to split wood from my dad, when I was about 11 or 12 years old.It was a matter of necessity.We had a fireplace, and if our family was going to enjoy it, the wood had to come from somewhere.

Every summer we spent a day in a stand of timber that one of my dads friends owned, cutting down two or three trees. When we took a break, Dad and I sat on the tailgate of his old Ford and ate the sandwiches my mom had packed, and we talked a little. Then we rode home completely tired out. We talked about how hard the work had been, but neither one of us complained too much; we had to show we could take, it I guess.

Early each fall, Dad and I spent another day working together, out back of our house, splitting the wood from the trees we had cut down. We split the wood and systematically stacked it so it would be easy to grab on a frigid winter night. I dont think Dad meant this annual task as any great learning or bonding experience, but I got a lot more than just neat sections of logs for my reward.

We shared a common goal, and that gave us the chance to connect on many different levels. We talked about school, his job, my girlfriends, his childhood (when he was a boy he had to get up every morning and stoke the fire in the stove and fetch more wood), and life in general.I also learned some basic things, such as how being careless with tools will land you in the hospital (I actually caught the ax in the head oncemy fault).

Dad has been gone for more than 25 years. But now I get a great deal of pleasure watching and helping both my sons split wood for our fireplace.We talk and I tell them about my childhood and their grandpa, and I teach them the things my father taught me about the wood, the tools, and life.

If you have the opportunity, I urge you to try this chore with your son or your daughter. The rewards you get will be much greater than a pile of nicely split and stacked wood.

*****

Mike Austin is a voice actor and host/producer of Radio Dad with Mike Austin, a nationally syndicated daily radio feature about being a dad. Mike is the father of six children ages 6 to 18. He and his wife, Lisa, live in southern Wisconsin, where Lisa is a stay-at-home mom and Mike works like crazy.

 

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