The Good Men Project

Guest Blog by Haji Shearer

I think about sex a lot.

Im forty-five years old. Ive spent much of the past thirty-three years thinking about sex. Ive also spent too much time in mens circles to think its just me. I accept a biological basis to these thoughts. Im hardwired to think about procreation. I love my family. I love nature. I love to write. But thoughts of these and other joys dont catapult into my mind with the frequency and intensity of sexual thoughts. Sexual thoughts are a category all their own.

Our lives are shaped, however, not so much by what happens to us, but by how we respond. My sexual thoughts havent diminished much since I was a young man, but what I do with them has changed. In the past, it was common for me to use my imagination to undress and sex women throughout the day. At school, at work, on public transportation, in the street–all I needed was to see a pretty hairdo, face, breast, stomach, ass, leg, or foot and the sexual visualization was on.

If the woman was especially fine, I might take the memory home and work with it when I had more time and privacy. In my mind, Ive sexed more women than Wilt the Stilt did in real life.

Sexual thoughts still arise spontaneously in my mind, but I treat them differently now. Its been a long time since I mentally undressed a woman on the train and imagined full-out intercourse with her. It just isnt as much fun as it used to be. Blame it on maturity, marriage, being a father, a spiritual aspirant, or some combination, but I no longer departmentalize my sexuality from the other aspects of my life. I dont treat the attraction in the same way, but as the old saying goes, Im not dead; I do feel it.

So what do I do when Im on the train, or at work, and I feel that familiar pull toward a pretty face, breast, or buttocks? The first thing I do is breathe. That sends a signal to my brain. The sharp intake of breath is similar to–but different from–the instinctive, Oh shit! from the old days. You know the one. You see a beautiful woman, and your brain immediately stops and says, Oh shit! At least, that was the phrase imprinted on my mind. Depending on the time and place of your socialization, the phrase might be Good golly! or Va, va, voom! but it all means the same thing: I want to sex her.

Through years of training, Ive reprogrammed myself to take a breath when I see a sexy woman. The breath sends an important message to my brain. It short-circuits the adrenaline rush that is pushing my reptilian brain to fight, flight, or freeze. I need this space because after thirty years of self-reflection, twenty years of monogamy, and ten years of mens groups; my knee-jerk reaction to a beautiful woman is still to try and sex her, to engage in one of the oldest fights there is: the sexual conquest.

The breath signals my brain and my body to slow down. It reminds me I am okay just as I am; I dont have to do anything. The sexual thoughts can be very powerful. Everyday, men throw relationships, careers, and happiness overboard because they follow that Oh shit! down a slippery slope. This initial breath gives my heart and mind time to catch up with my groin. It doesnt diminish my pleasure in observing a beautiful woman. Au contraire! It actually increases my pleasure, because the rush of sexual energy is circulated throughout my entire body.

Yoga, tai chi, and other Eastern systems of healing describe energy centers in the body. According to these models, concentrated centers of vitality located along the spine control health and disease. Like Maslows Hierarchy of Needs in Western psychology, the Eastern beliefs hold that security needs, located along the lower spine, must be fulfilled before higher functions such as love and intuition are activated in the centers higher up the spine.

When I am in a state of sexual excitement, my awareness is focused on the lower energy centers in my body, the ones near the groin and belly button. If I feel this sexual agitation and decide to pause and breathe, I can literally feel my awareness lift to the higher energy centers in my heart, throat, and head. For folks seriously committed to exploring sexual energy this may be hard to believe, but I actually feel high–similar to a drug experience–when my awareness rises like this.

Working to deliberately uplift my sexual thoughts is where I find pleasure today. Trying to repress sexual thoughts is dangerous. Its like pushing down on a balloon: It may seem as though youre successful, but soon you find a bulge in another area. This method doesnt repress or deny sexual thoughts; it actually revels in and expands the thoughts to include something greater then just the sum of a womans sexy parts. It encourages connection with her spirit as well as her flesh.

I dont pretend this is easy. If the attraction is intense, sometimes it takes two or three or more breaths to shift my awareness. But eventually I am able to enjoy the curve of the breast or butt or thigh with some detachment while at the same time taking pleasure in an awareness of the source that animates the sexy body part. Ive found this is a useful way to harness the sexual thoughts that bombard my brain when I gaze at a beautiful, young woman, and to more quickly transform the intense desire for sex into the satisfaction of simply being.

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Haji Shearer is speaker, writer, and trainer. He is the director of the Fatherhood Initiative for the Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund. Shearer has a BA in management of human services and has been working in the field of family support since 1993.