Old Men Know
I recently had the opportunity to sit down with four men in there seventies and eighties and talk about their perspectives on fatherhood. I asked them about their own fathers, about their personal transition to fatherhood, and about how they see fatherhood evolving today. The perspectives they offered contained much wisdom.
When asked about their relationship with their own father, several themes emerged. Fathers of that generation were breadwinners and had a strong work ethic. Sometimes this work ethic extended to having very little leisure time with their families. One man commented that it seemed like his father didn’t know how to do anything but work, but there was always work to do when you lived on a farm. When leisure time was available, there were fond memories of fishing, travel and sports.
Dads of that generation tended to be stoic. Although men rarely showed affection, children felt loved because dad was always around in these days before the divorce rate soared. Today, social scientists write a lot about the importance of emotional bonding between fathers and their children. In the time of this generation, emotional bonds were developed by simply spending time together, whether at work or at play. Those guys lucky enough to have dads who directly encouraged them felt that this masculine blessing had a profound and positive impact on their own futures.
Another theme the old men remembered was how their fathers taught values. Like emotional relationships, values were taught mostly by example. Church attendance was an important part of family life, and started these men on their own spiritual journeys. Community service was also modeled by this generation of fathers. If a neighbor or community member had some bad luck, everyone pitched in to help them out. There was also an honoring of military service and the letters written back to family members during this time are treasured family artifacts now. Education was also highly valued, and although these recent immigrant families tended not to be highly educated, they encouraged their children’s success in school.
When I asked these men about the changes they had observed in fatherhood in their lifetimes, they saw both negative and positive trends. The trend toward absent fathers and children’s emotional pain and social problems associated with this was a grave concern. They also worried about how busy many families’ lives were, and whether there was enough of the more relaxed family time that nurtures healthy relationships. The number of teenage pregnancies and the various stresses that go with this trend were also seen as a social problem.
Even though some trends in family life seem problematic, these old men saw many positive trends also. Fathers’ participation in the birthing process is relatively new and lays the foundation for positive family relationships. The trend toward men being more involved in all aspects of raising children – formerly the exclusive domain of women – was also seen as a good thing. Social scientists would say this trend has psychological benefits for women, children, and men themselves. Finally, the trend of men being able to more easily show affection toward their children was seen as positive. I would speculate that this conclusion was based in three experiences. These men didn’t get it as children. They tried to do it more in their own families, and it seemed right. They see it happening even more now and enjoy the emotional ripple effect as it reaches them in their old age.
I would like to honor the wisdom of this group of old men on this Fathers Day. I hope some of you can listen to the stories of the old men you know, and honor their wisdom also.
Lowell Johnson
Father Involvement Team
Brainerd Lakes Area Early Childhood Coalition
